


i'm doing good, i'm doing fine

by jikwaniser



Series: addicted to life [3]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety Attacks, Internalized Transphobia, Kissing, M/M, Make Out Session, Texting, Trans Character, but its really brief!! dont worry, implied depression, placebo au, rly brief also, trans!felix, uhh chan loves felix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-08
Updated: 2018-10-08
Packaged: 2019-07-27 23:32:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16229576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jikwaniser/pseuds/jikwaniser
Summary: felix is not a girl.felix has been a boy his whole life.felix is scared.





	i'm doing good, i'm doing fine

**Author's Note:**

> before reading please note!!!  
> i am gender fluid (they/them) and NOT transgender. this is based off what i know from friends and acquaintances, if it offends you or is not accurate please do not hesitate to let me know!!  
> other than that, enjoy<33
> 
> edited 11/13/18!

Felix was fifteen when he realized he was different. First of all, being Korean in an Australian school was always bizarre, even if he spoke fluent English he was always treated as an outsider. Not to mention, he had a hard time in school. Not that he wasn’t smart or talented, he was, he just couldn’t focus enough to pay attention in his classes. His mom would lecture him, saying he needed to pay more attention and stop daydreaming. His father would simply shake his head whenever Felix brought home a bad test, then he would pull him aside and help him study. It worked, for a while at least. Felix’s grades improved and he was actually enjoying school, but something was still different.

 

Felix wasn’t a girl.

 

For the first fifteen years of his life, Felix Lee had been a girl. It stated on his birth certificate that he, was in fact, a girl. Then why didn’t he feel like one?

He remembers watching his older sisters do their makeup in the morning and talk about going to the mall, wearing cute skirts on the weekends, constantly playing dolls with Felix, but never once did Felix actually enjoy doing those things with them.

 

He remembers when he turned ten, his grandmother giving him a big kiss on the cheek before saying, “Oh our beautiful Felix, you’ve grown up to be quite the lady. Too bad you choose to wear those dusty old shorts over beautiful dresses.”

Well, what was wrong with shorts? Felix actually liked wearing shorts, they were comfortable and far more versatile. Felix remembered smiling at her, thanking her for the dress and promising he would wear it eventually-- only to shove it deep into his closet to never be seen again.

 

So that was pretty much how his childhood went, his parents and family and friends would try to force him to do things that he didn’t like to and turn their nose up when he came anyway, wearing basketball shorts and a big hoodie. Felix was a boy, despite what anyone said.

On Felix’s thirteenth birthday, he bought a binder. It was black and bulky and made Felix’s ribs tight, but he loved it more than anything.

 

He stood in front of his floor length mirror, posing in front and turning to see it from every angle. Even without the giant hoodie, he really could pass. He admired himself a little longer, looking at himself from every angle when his sister walked in. She was quiet, simply staring, before walking in and sitting on Felix’s bed, calling him over.

 

After crying into her shoulder, he told her he was a boy. She just smiled, hugging him tighter and whispering into his ear, “My amazing younger brother, Felix.”

 

Telling the rest of his family was easier than he expected it to be. His mom had been surprised but was still happy nonetheless, pulling him in for a big hug and calling him “son”. His dad patted his back, telling him he was happy to have a son in their family. Felix was happy, he was a boy and he had his family’s support and love, what more could he need?

Then, came time for middle school. Felix had considered staying in Australia, wanting to stay close to his family, but they had been extremely persistent on him going to Seoul, to improve his Korean and actually become more immersed in the Korean culture, so the week before he turned 15, he boarded a flight to Seoul, South Korea.

 

The difference between Seoul and Australia became apparent to him as soon as he stepped foot in the airport. Not only was a complete different language spoken, there was also a completely different atmosphere from Sydney. He pulled his mask up further and tugged his suitcase behind him, trying to maneuver his way through the crowded airport to his aunt’s family. They were also Australian, and had agreed to take Felix in during the years he would be in school. They stood in the front entrance of the airport with huge signs, in English thankfully, that read: _Lee Felix (Our beautiful nephew <3) _

 

Felix smiled as he read them, greeting himself--with a bow, he had learned that was the custom--and was shocked when they pulled him in for a hug. The Bang’s had a son named Chris--Chan in Korean--who was three years older than Felix, and two other children who were at school.

 

Felix awkwardly thanked his aunt and cousin, stumbling over his words and ending with a rather forceful bow. Chan just smiled at him, dimples popping out and eyes squinting shut as he laughed. Felix smiled back, immediately feeling at home.

 

Felix was three weeks into middle school when he told Chris he was trans.

Even though Felix felt completely comfortable with Chan, he was more than nervous about how his cousin would react. He bit his lip as he waited for Chan to respond, staring as he blinked once, then twice. He finally turned back to Felix with a smile, hugging him tightly.

“I’m proud of you.”

 

After Felix came out to Chris, the two became even closer. Through his cousin, he made a ton of new friends.

Jisung, who was exactly one day older than Felix and had ridiculous chipmunk cheeks, smiled brightly at him as he sat down with Chan and his friends.

 

“Chan! Is this your cousin?”

Felix smiled softly, “I’m Felix.”

Next to Felix sat a kid named Seungmin, who was a week younger than both Felix and Jisung. “I guess I can finally put my English to good use.” He said with a giggle as he reached out and shook Felix’s hand.

Felix smiled, easing closer to Chan as they began chatting.

 

His first full year in Korea passed quickly and before he knew it, Felix was in his first year of high school, Chan in his third. Felix had joined dance and their little friend group of four grew.

Hyunjin was a second year and danced as well, he was the one to convince Felix to join the dance team. The two clicked well, instantly becoming great friends.

Along with Hyunjin, a quiet kid named Changbin joined their group. Changbin was a second year as well and he wrote music with Chan and Jisung, it was how he joined their group, he had a tattoo on his shoulder and a tongue piercing that showed slightly when he was rapping. If Felix had a type, it was Changbin.

 

He had clicked faster with Changin than he had with Hyunjin, which surprised him, considering the two were complete opposites; Felix being cheerful and outgoing while Changbin, who was always happy, tended to keep to himself and stay quiet. It was why their dynamic worked so well. Changbin would stare as Felix told his crazy stories at lunch, listening intently and nodding along anytime Felix would ask for his input. Felix would smile back, their friendship didn’t need to have a lot of words.

 

It was halfway through Felix’s second semester of second year when Changbin asked him out.

It was nothing fancy, just ice cream at a little shop a few blocks from their school, both boys still in their uniforms. Felix smiled brightly as Changbin ordered their desserts, giggling when Changbin blushed at Felix’s fingers intertwined with his.

The date ended after the two finished their desserts, Changbin walking Felix to Chan’s with a kiss on his cheek as a goodbye.

Three weeks after their ice cream date, Changbin asked Felix to be his boyfriend.

They were under the bleachers during gym, Changbin’s face red and palms sweaty as he asked him. Felix giggled at him, kissing his nose lightly, before agreeing.

Their gym teacher found them under the bleachers, giggling, and gave them a week of detention, but to the two- it was worth it.

 

Fast forward in time to 5 months into their relationship and everything was great. Changbin sat with Felix at lunch, the two sharing their food and feeding each other like every cheesy couple in the world, ignoring Jisung’s complaints. Felix often sat in Changbin’s lap, the older’s fingers running through his hair. Hand holding in the hallway, quick pecks between classes--and even longer ones on the weekends, their lips often becoming swollen. Everything was perfect. Felix was happy, he had every reason to be. But then why did something feel wrong?

 

Felix still had yet to tell Changbin he was trans.

Besides Chan, no one in their friend group knew.

 

They had been friends for over a year and a half and Felix had felt comfortable enough with them to come out as gay--all of them being extremely supportive and hugging him like crazy when he told them one day at lunch--so why was him coming out as trans any different?

Maybe it was because he wasn’t ready to be perceived differently.

Felix tapped his pencil against his notebook, not bothering to focus on the Korean worksheets in front of him, just tapping staring off into the distance as his pencil continued to tap.

His phone pulled him from his thoughts, a text notification popping up.

 

 _changbinnie_ ♡

hey lix!

 

 _changbinnie_ ♡

are you done with your hw

 

Felix sighed, putting his pencil down and picking his phone up.

 

 _lix_ ♡

yeah

 

 _lix_ ♡

why?

 

 _changbinnie_ ♡

come over i miss you

 

Felix looked at his homework, then his phone, closing the book and grabbing his coat off the back of his chair before he could change his mind.

 

 _lix_ ♡

i’m omw

 

Changbin kissed Felix as soon as he opened the door, not even bothering to say hello. Felix melted into the kiss, feeling the small bud on Changbin’s tongue touch against his, and closed his eyes, allowing Changbin to guide him inside and to sit him on the couch.

 

Felix felt his breath hitch as Changbin’s kisses moved towards his jawline, then his neck, and then tickling against his collar bones. His kisses were delicate, soft and light, and he held Felix gently as he kissed him all over. Felix leaned his head back, allowing Changbin more access to his neck and nearly keening out as Changbin left gentle marks and kisses against it. Felix turned himself over, straddling Changbin’s lap, as the older took charge. Their lips were red and swollen, hair a mess, as Changbin continued kissing against Felix.

 

“Changbin,” Felix practically moaned out as Changbin laid a sensitive kiss against the nape of his neck.

Felix felt himself gasp as Changbin’s hands trailed up Felix’s chest, caressing his stomach. The two boys continued kissing, Changbin delicately running his hand up and down Felix’s stomach before going up towards his chest and-

 

“Felix? What is this?”

 

Felix felt the entire world stop spinning in the moment, the only thing he could hear was his and Changbin’s breathing, his heart pounding like crazy in his chest.

 

“Are you wearing-”

 

Felix pulled back, shoving Changbin’s hands away, “I-”

 

Felix felt his eyes water up and Changbin’s mouth was stuck open, unable to form any words.

He pulled himself up and off of Changbin’s lap, hurrying to get out of there before Changbin could say anything.

 

“I have to go.” Felix said, his voice barely a whisper as he turned to run out, not bothering to turn back when Changbin called after him.

 

Felix was scared. He cried himself to sleep that night.

 

He didn’t go to school Monday, or the day after that, or even the rest of the week. Their entire friend group had become concerned that something serious had happened to Felix. Even Chan was unsure of what happened, becoming extremely curious when Changbin remained quiet at lunch, the bags under his eyes prominent and a solemn look plastered on his face.

 

On Felix’s sixth day skipping school, Chan confronted him.

 

“What’s going on?” Chan asked, slipping into Felix’s room and sitting beside him on his small bed. Felix looked up, his eyes were red and his hair was a mess. He just shrugged, turning away from his cousin and laying back down.

 

Chan sighed, flopping down onto Felix, ignoring his whines. “What? I can’t hear you? Can you speak up?” Chan teased, chuckling as he felt Felix lightly pound on his back.

 

When Chan sat up, Felix had tears in his eyes. “Woah, did I hurt you? I’m so sorry! Are you okay?”

 

Felix shook his head, “Last Friday, Changbin and I were- we were,” he took a breath, swallowing back his tears, “we were making out and it got kind of intense, he started feeling up my chest and he-he-” He felt Chan’s hand on his back, rubbing slowly, his cousin smiling softly at him.

 

“Breathe, take your time.”

 

Felix nodded, releasing a breath of air, “he felt my binder.”

 

Chan stopped rubbing Felix’s back, “What?”

 

Felix felt his eyes water up again, “I didn’t take it off and he felt it. I never even told him I was, you know.” He sniffled, “He probably hates me.”

 

“He does not hate you.”

 

Felix thought back to that night, the way Changbin’s eyes widened when he noticed, the way he slowly pulled away, the way he stared at Felix, not saying a word.

 

“Then why hasn’t he texted me?”

 

Since Felix ran out that night, he hadn’t heard from Changbin. He imagined the older wanted to end things and he couldn’t bare to text him, too scared that Changbin would either A) ignore him, B) laugh at him, or C) break up with him, and honestly, C seemed the most reasonable after the events.

 

Chan sighed, rubbing Felix’s back as the younger started tearing up again, sniffling, “Maybe he’s scared.”

Felix looked up at his cousin, his eyes red, “Scared that I’m trans?”

“Scared of losing you.”

Felix opened his mouth, closing it again. He had never really thought about it that way. He had run out on Changbin, with no explanation, and he hadn’t texted the older himself.

“I’m scared of losing him.” Felix whispered, his voice cracking slightly.

Chan shushed him, hugging him tighter, “You won’t lose him, he loves you.”

Did Changbin love him? Sure, Chan constantly told Felix he loved him, but it was a different kind of love. Was Changbin’s love platonic? Or did he actually love Felix, like _love_ love him?

“I-I love him.”

Chan smiled, patting his back, “I know, that’s why you need to talk to him.”

Felix nodded, wiping his eyes, “Thank you Channie.” Chan kissed his forehead, guiding Felix off of him.

“Of course, I love you Lix.”

“I love you too.”

 

On the seventh night, Felix called Changbin.

 

“Lix? What’s wrong?”

Felix had begun crying as soon as he dialed Changbin’s number. He quickly wiped away a tear, sniffling.

“I need to talk to you, about the other night.”

Changbin was silent for a minute, “I’m coming over.”

“You don’t have-”

“I’m already on the way, I want to see you. I miss you.”

Felix sniffled again, nodding, “O-okay. The door’s unlocked.”

Changbin hung up and Felix set his phone down, immediately laying back in bed with a thud as he felt himself begin to cry again. He was going to break up with Changbin, he had to. The older probably hated him and he couldn’t bare to have Changbin break up with him instead so he would end it all. Felix let out another sob, feeling his heart contract. He loved Changbin.

“Felix?” Changbin’s voice was a whisper. He stood in the doorway, his eyes heavy. “What’s wrong baby?”

Felix shook his head, “I-I’m sorry!” He cried out, curling into a ball under his blanket.

Changbin walked over and sat beside the younger, scooting him over and laying his head against his lap. “Why are you sorry?” His finger carded through his hair, playing with his golden locks.

“I should have told you, I didn’t mean…” He cut off, feeling the lump in his throat reform.

Changbin tutted, “Lix, baby. I’m not mad at you. In fact, I’m fine with it.” Felix looked up, his eyes red, “I loved you before I knew and I love you now.”

“You love me?” His voice was scratchy.

Changbin smiled, kissing his temple, “I love you so much, baby.”

Everything was silent in that moment, Felix’s crying had ended and the only noise was the air conditioner kicking on. He looked up at Changbin’s, his eyes bright and full of love despite the eye bags under them. His cheeks were red and he could barely make eye contact with Felix.

“I love you too.”

Changbin smiled, his eyes squinting up. “Can I kiss you?”

Felix leaned in, letting his lips press against Changbin’s. Changbin blinked, surprised, but quickly reciprocated, allowing himself to melt into his lover’s kiss and embrace. Felix moved to sit on top of Changbin, his arms wrapping around his neck as he deepened the kiss, Changbin letting out a gasp. Felix continued kissing him, letting Changbin take control as he pressed a kiss against his neck, slowly trailing up towards his jaw and back to his lips.

Felix pulled back with a breathy sigh, laying his forehead against Changbin’s.

“I love you.”

Changbin kisses him one more time before laying his forehead against Felix’s, “I love you too.”

 

Felix woke up the next morning in Changbin’s embrace, the latter’s chin laying against his shoulder as he snored softly in his ear. Felix smiled, relaxing under his touch. He let out a content sigh, the pressure in his chest almost disappearing as he cuddled closer to his boyfriend. After their talk last night, Felix had taken off the binder, his cheeks red as Changbin smiled brightly at him, landing a kiss to both of his cheeks. He crawled out of bed and examined himself in the mirror against his door, his shirt was big enough to disguise his breasts and his shoulders looked more relaxed.

“Morning,” Changbin’s voice made Felix jump, how’d you sleep?”

Felix laid back down, cuddling closer to Changbin as he let his hand lay across his stomach. “Good, you make sleeping better.”

Changbin laughed, “You’re so nice to cuddle with,” he buried his face into Felix’s hair, “so soft and squishy.”

Felix slapped his hand away, “I’m not squishy!”

“You are! Right,” he placed his hands on Felix’s side, tickling him, “here!”

Felix yelped out, unable to control his laughter, “Stop it! Stop!”

Changbin pulled away, kissing him gently.

“Let’s go get breakfast, I’m hungry.”

He pulled himself out of bed, his hair messy. He was wearing one of Felix’s shirts and had on an old pair of boxers. It made Felix’s heart flutter, the thought so domestic.

“What do you want?”

Changbin thought for a minute, humming, “Pancakes.”

Felix nodded in agreement, “Pancakes.”

He pulled himself out of bed and towards Changbin, kissing his forehead once more before walking into the kitchen.

Felix opened the fridge, pulling the ingredients out as Changbin turned the stove on, setting a pan onto it. He smiled at Felix, his eyes practically sparkling. All of his previous worries seemed to disappear as he stood in his kitchen with his boyfriend, binder free, making pancakes at 8 in the morning. There were only three things on his mind.

Felix wasn’t a girl.

Felix wasn’t scared anymore.

Felix loved Changbin.

**Author's Note:**

> this took me a good two months to write because i kept getting sidetracked with other works and gender dysphoria but i'm back and better than ever!  
> i really hope you enjoyed reading this, it was a lot of fun to write :-) i love changlix so much<33
> 
> if you haven't read the original work in this series you can check it out [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15541581/chapters/36078426)  
> & the spin-off [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15747459)! 
> 
> have a good night :-)
> 
>  
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/babykwans)  
> [tumblr](https://bunnyiser.tumblr.com)


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